Wednesday, February 26, 2014

How to Survive a Relationship with a Demon Lover: Part 2

She's alluring. She inspires you. She's like no one you've ever met before, and yet all of the women you've ever wanted. Here's a list if you take the risk:

1) She may have averse reactions to the following: iron, silver, holy water, or salt. Try to avoid keeping these items in your household.

2) Black cats, toads, and ravens will be unusually attracted to her. Get used to them.

3) Suggest an elegant up-do for her hair, so that it's not constantly veiling her features.

4) Always let her win the arguments--there is no argument worth winning that results in yor temporary existence as an insect, an easy chair, or a tree.

5) Do not touch the following items in her home: Fancy bottles with weird labels, creepy dolls, or mirrors.

6) If you're uncomfortable with the way she dresses--super-sexy glamour or spooky antique (or she always wears white if she's a Lady in White) present her with a gift card to a classy boutique.

7) Family. If you have children and have lost your spouse to death or divorce, be warned: your DL will be a terrible stepmother. Don't ever let your kids accept gifts from her...especially apples, combs, or candy.

8) If you decide to share a place, you might suggest she move into yours, because she'll probably have real estate in a forest, an abandoned mansion/castle, or in a lake, and these might not suit your lifestyle.

9) Ex-lovers. Most likely they'll all be dead at suspiciously youthful ages. But they'll have left some great art behind--poems, music, paintings, etc; As she'll be a source of inspiration, you, too, may want to venture into the fine arts.

10) Intimacy. Since this tends to literally drain the life out of you, make sure you have a will and a good life insurance policy. Good luck!

(Illustration: Carlos Schwabe)

Monday, February 10, 2014

How to Survive a Relationship with a Demon Lover

He's dark. He's brooding. He's gorgeous. and his origins might be less than earthly. Here are 10 tips if you decide he's worth the risk:

1) He'll be a night owl, so become one. (Goodbye big weekend breakfasts. Hello Denny's late night.)

2) Whenever he begins to brood, read him a funny part from a book (all DLs have literary fetishes), watch a comedy, or take a bubble bath together. (Third one always works!)

3) His family. If they're totally evil, they'll have hopefully been destroyed. If not, the usual things should work in keeping them away--holy water, silver, sea salt, etc; Remember, most times, they need to be invited. So don't do that.

4) Your family. Explain to them any allergies your DL might have (silver, salt, garlic), so accidents don't happen.

5) Get used to crows, black dogs, bats, wolves, and, inevitably, some sort of totemic insect--death's head moth, dragonfly, scarab--they'll be attracted to your DL. Ordinary cats and dogs, however, will not, so, no pets.

6) If he doesn't have a fortune in a tomb or the stock market, it might be best to encourage self-employment. (Artist. Writer. DLs are crafty!)

7) Make sure, if you ever go on vacation, he picks something you want, as he'll be drawn to gloomy places (Abandoned cities, ancient castles, Eastern Europe). If that's your thing, fantastic. Avoid cruises.

8) If you share a space, just add a bit of a classy Gothic touch to make your DL feel at home: a porcelain skull, a black accent wall, taxidermy animals.

9) Intimate moments. Needless to say, if he has supernatural strength or hazardous teeth, be careful.

10) Exes. If your DL has exes, most of them will, unfortunately--or fortunately, in some cases--be dead. (Hopefully, he won't have killed them.) You may need to perish one or two of his exes yourself.

Good Luck!