Wednesday, February 26, 2014

How to Survive a Relationship with a Demon Lover: Part 2

She's alluring. She inspires you. She's like no one you've ever met before, and yet all of the women you've ever wanted. Here's a list if you take the risk:

1) She may have averse reactions to the following: iron, silver, holy water, or salt. Try to avoid keeping these items in your household.

2) Black cats, toads, and ravens will be unusually attracted to her. Get used to them.

3) Suggest an elegant up-do for her hair, so that it's not constantly veiling her features.

4) Always let her win the arguments--there is no argument worth winning that results in yor temporary existence as an insect, an easy chair, or a tree.

5) Do not touch the following items in her home: Fancy bottles with weird labels, creepy dolls, or mirrors.

6) If you're uncomfortable with the way she dresses--super-sexy glamour or spooky antique (or she always wears white if she's a Lady in White) present her with a gift card to a classy boutique.

7) Family. If you have children and have lost your spouse to death or divorce, be warned: your DL will be a terrible stepmother. Don't ever let your kids accept gifts from her...especially apples, combs, or candy.

8) If you decide to share a place, you might suggest she move into yours, because she'll probably have real estate in a forest, an abandoned mansion/castle, or in a lake, and these might not suit your lifestyle.

9) Ex-lovers. Most likely they'll all be dead at suspiciously youthful ages. But they'll have left some great art behind--poems, music, paintings, etc; As she'll be a source of inspiration, you, too, may want to venture into the fine arts.

10) Intimacy. Since this tends to literally drain the life out of you, make sure you have a will and a good life insurance policy. Good luck!

(Illustration: Carlos Schwabe)

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